If we were having coffee, I will tell you that during this week I have been drifting in and out of depression, alienation, home-sickness, unfulfillment, happiness, laughter, hopelessness, sadness, love, sadness, hopelessness, laughter, happiness, unfulfillment, home-sickness, alienation, depression… have you felt like that before, I’ll ask?
If we were having coffee, I’ll tell you how winter is slowly creeping in here in Cape Town, how it’s so cold at night especially where I live, close to the beach. So you can imagine how cold it gets especially when the tide is high. At night we can hear the sound of the waves crashing on the beach. It is a soothing sound as well as scary. I ask you how people who live where it actually snows survive. I wonder if I would!
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week and this has been awesome in my blogosphere world! I attended my first blog party at Suzie81 Speaks and made a lot of new friends and one of my new friends nominated me for the Liebster award. I got nominated, can you imagine that! And, one of my post ‘One day. Maybe’ got featured on Lifetitudes blog- that was the icing on the cake. All sorts of warm nice feeling going through me just remembering!
If we were having coffee, I will tell you about the xenophobic attacks in South Africa and how blessed I am that it’s not happening in Cape Town but in Johannesburg and Durban but that doesn’t make me feel any better because sometimes I am scared and also lives are being butchered because people are just plain wicked. I will tell you about how people I haven’t heard from in 10 years or in months have been reaching out to me to find out if I’m safe and I tell them that I am, I live in Cape Town. Oh and yeah, that I live among ‘white’ people. I know right! Living among ‘white’ people is such a comfort at times like this. I reached out to friends of mine yesterday who live in Johannesburg worried about their safety. Guess what they told me? Hey, we live in an all ‘white’ dominated suburb so we’re safe!
Can you imagine, that now living among ‘white’ people is a kind of protection against people who have the same color of skin as yours but just because you are a foreigner in their own country you are somewhat different and in danger?
I don’t even want to go into details about the why’s and the what’s. About why I wonder why they are not attacking the white foreigners too. I don’t even read the news about the xenophobic attacks anymore. The images disturb me. I don’t think I was built to feel and take that much pain. I break into pieces. I am afraid that my heart would be filled with hate. Hate for ‘black’ South Africans. I’m seriously slipping into it so I try not to read about what wickedness they have been up to recently… but then if I hate, how am I different from them? Those people who are killing my people and other black African foreigners? How? Grouping every ‘black’ South Africans among the wicked ones just like the wicked ‘black’ South Africans have grouped all ‘black’ foreigners into a box of those who allegedly take their jobs, sell drugs and other alleged crimes? You see this does not make ‘hate’ and ‘killing’ acceptable. I remind myself that I have met wonderful ‘black’ South Africans. It is a constant battle not to let my heart be filled with hate. I want to hate. I seriously don’t know how Jesus does it, all that love even when we don’t deserve it? I duff my hat to Him today.
I miss home terribly at this moment. My colored Mr. S does not mind moving to my home. Oh yeah, that one too is very difficult to explain to people too. The ‘colored’ thing. At my home Mr.S is considered to be white! They get confused looks when he corrects them that he is ‘colored’? Why are you ‘colored’? Are you mixed? Questions! Here, South Africans are classed as White, Black or Colored. Don’t ask me to explain any further. I still haven’t understood it yet!
If only it was that easy to pack up and leave. What about those who can’t leave? Who come from war-torn countries? Where am I going to start from if I go home now and yes, I am now used to this country even though it was here that I realized that I was black! Seriously! It was a rude shock!! This place has become my home in the last 6 years. I’ve fallen in love with this place, the mountains, the beach close to my home, the weather that has mood swings like a troubled woman, the first time I conquered my fear of heights and climbed Lions Head which is 2,195 ft above sea level (I’ll never try that again!), I discovered the love of running, of cycling, first place I ever saw penguins (I kept looking for Mumble and hoping I’ll see him do the happy feet dance!), the first time I ever fell in love was here and love also found me in this country.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you how this very moment I really, really miss home. The saying “there’s no place like home” makes so much sense right now.